


Finding Balance

by CapyWritesShit



Series: How To Be Part Of A Family: A Guide by Saccharina Rocks [2]
Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: A bunch of other characters show up, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Campaign 05: A Crown of Candy, Fix-It, Gen, Growing Up, Not Beta Read, Pre-Canon, Religious Guilt, Saccharina Frostwhip-centric, but this is mostly about rina and the rocks family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25892857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapyWritesShit/pseuds/CapyWritesShit
Summary: The longer she lives her life as a Rocks, the more Saccharina finds that this whole princess thing is a lot harder than originally anticipated.
Relationships: Saccharina Frostwhip & Rocks Family
Series: How To Be Part Of A Family: A Guide by Saccharina Rocks [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866823
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37





	Finding Balance

**Author's Note:**

> there's a section in this when i mention saccharina drinking wine but it's not extremely relevant to the story.
> 
> there's also a section that heavily focuses on religious trauma/guilt. the sections starts with "Feeling strongly about something does not mean it is always good." if you want to skip it, there'll be a summary in the end notes!

When Jet tells Sir Theobald that she wants to replace him as Lord Commander of the Tart Guard when she's grown, Saccharina laughs so hard she doubles over and nearly chokes on her own breath. Much to her disappointment, Sir Theobald doesn't find this nearly as funny as she does, and simply sighs, as he seems to do often when surrounded by three hyperactive princesses.

Ever since Jet and Ruby turned six, they've been insistent that they don't want to be royalty. Everyone, and Saccharina means truly _everyone in the castle_ , has at some point tried to explain to the princesses that they can't just _not_ be the princesses. They were born to the king and queen, they don't exactly have the choice to stop being Princess Jet Rocks and Princess Ruby Rocks.

Saccharina finds it endearing. She thinks it's cute that the two of them are so determined in their quests to be anything but princesses. Sometimes she wishes she could do it too, join them in the jokes and the heists and everything in between. As it stands, while Caramelinda isn't her birth mother, Saccharina is still heir to the Candian throne. If both dad and Caramelinda are to pass, Saccharina is the one that will become queen, not Jet, and certainly not Ruby.

But apparently, being told that little tidbit about Saccharina being heir has given the twins far more drive to be whatever they want. The day they all had that lesson, Saccharina could pinpoint the exact moment Chancellor Lapin regretted telling them that technically neither of them really needed to be studying to be queen. Sometimes she thinks he has a hard time holding his tongue because he forgets that Ruby and Jet are sneaky and cunning little tricksters. (Saccharina thinks they might grow up to be like their Aunt Sapphria, but she can't be sure yet.)

So Jet says she can't wait to take Sir Theobald's place as Lord Commander, and Ruby follows up with how she wants to be a painter and spend her days painting portraits, and dad, who is only so many feet away, laughs just as hard as Saccharina. Caramelinda, much like Sir Theobald, is not amused, and the way in which she pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs is so defeated Saccharina almost feels bad for her.

The twins look up at dad, expressions bordering on betrayed, before he assures them that he's not laughing _at_ them, he's laughing because he's glad they have such... _interesting_ aspirations. Saccharina quickly jumps in and explains that, while those jobs are fantastic career choices for the future, they should probably be put on the back burner until their eighteenth Saint's Day, when all that adult junk really starts to matter.

Ruby pouts and crosses her arms, shooting Saccharina a dirty look, and Jet sticks her tongue out at Sir Theobald, bumping into Ruby's body in what looks to be a sort of solidarity. Caramelinda and Sir Theobald both look on the cusp of collapsing from the sheer exhaustion of dealing with six year olds, and dad looks far too amused for his own good.

Later, under the cover of the night, Saccharina will catch the twins sneaking out of their joint rooms and towards the knights' quarters. Instead of ruining their fun, even with the knowledge that she'll get scolded as soon as they're caught and rat her out, Saccharina just winks and waves them off, letting the sounds of their giggles echo through the halls in the most pathetic display of stealth the pair of six year olds have ever managed.

* * *

At the ripe age of thirteen, Saccharina is led down multiple halls she knows well to the first political meeting dad and Caramelinda have allowed her to sit in on. She's dressed to the nines—her hair is done up in the way she doesn't like but knows looks fancy, and Caramelinda insists on her leaving her sword in her room. She promises there will be so many guards that, should a threat appear, Saccharina wouldn't even have time to draw the weapon before said threat is apprehended.

To her relief, dad doesn't look very pleased by the meeting either, and when she gripes that at least _he's_ allowed to bring his sword, the smile she gets in return is almost worth the itchiness of her stockings.

A representative of House Jawbreaker is waiting at the table, along with a representative of House Merengue, a representative of House Drizzle, a few nobles of Castle Candy, and most notably, Chancellor Lapin. Right as they enter, Saccharina and Chancellor Lapin make eye contact, and all at once, she feels as though she is vastly underprepared for this, because she has absolutely no idea why he's there. She wasn't even aware the church was that important to this meeting prior to three seconds ago.

She must stare a moment too long, because suddenly dad's hand is on her shoulder guiding her forward, and Caramelinda looks immediately more stressed than before. Guilt flares in her chest but the moment is passed and then she's sitting beside Caramelinda to showcase that she's royalty but not a significant figure for this specific meeting. Pleasantries are exchanged, though stiff, and for a few moments Saccharina almost forgets to introduce herself because genuinely doesn't feel herself important enough.

In comparison to everyone else at the table, Saccharina feels exceptionally...small. Insignificant and unneeded, especially while sitting next to the Queen of Candia, who in turn is sitting just to the right of the King of Candia. And sure, Saccharina technically holds a similar title, Princess of Candia, but it doesn't hold the same weight. Saccharina is a child sitting in on a meeting to learn the inner mechanisms of how her kingdom works. Caramelinda and dad are full grown adults who have been running said kingdom for decades, and this is just a typical Grainsday for them.

The meeting starts off formal and polite, in the way that it always is when beginning to talk about the relationship between two factions of a kingdom on the brink of a civil war. Well, Saccharina assumes so. She's not quite sure.

Still, everything goes smoothly, until the tiny orange candy woman from House Jawbreaker opens her stupid mouth. She makes a snide comment that could be construed very rudely, directly to poor Chencellor Lapin, who very much takes full offense to it. Almost immediately he's shooting something equally offensive if not moreso back and, in her peripherals, Saccharina watches dad close his eyes and lean back in his chair in defeat, and Caramelinda run a hand down her face.

Two nobles jump in to lessen the blows but the damage is done, and before anyone can react, about twenty of the royal guards, including Sir Maillard and Sir Theobald (who looks so smug yet so enraged all at once), are at arms because Jawbreaker and Chancellor Lapin are both standing and pointing fingers. Voices are raising, the nobles are stammering, House Merengue and House Drizzle look exceptionally angry at the disruption and yet used to it all the same. Before anything can escalate even further and the poor nobles get their heads chopped off in the crossfire, dad slams his fist on the table hard enough for the sound to reverberate through the meeting room. All eyes turn to look at him, including Saccharina's own.

Predictably, as soon as King Amethar of House Rocks holds all the attention in the room, he says something bordering on inspiring and then directly shifts all that attention right on to his wife, who begins negotiations like she was born to be a queen. Neither the Chancellor nor Jawbreaker apologize and every other person at the table looks to be on the verge of killing the two most difficult members of this meeting.

It's been a total of maybe ten minutes and already Saccharina wishes she could be literally anywhere else. Maybe, just maybe, if she bribes Sir Theobald, she'll be able to slip out of the next one without too much trouble.

* * *

The best part about having a Saint's Day in summer is the ability to spend it out on the Dairy Sea with Manta Ray nearly every year. Of course it's required she bring a guard with her—she is the heir to the throne, after all. Considering it's typically Sir Toby or another of the Knights of North Gumbia, though, she doesn't get too upset about it. Giant gummy bear knights that speak like they're all from 1103 instead of 1203 and bounce when they walk is fun enough for Saccharina to find them good company.

A lot of Manta Ray's crew regard her as an honorary member with how often she sails alongside them, as well as with consideration of her Dairy heritage. It's like a vacation of sorts, getting to spend the week before her Saint's Day on the open sea with one of, in her humble opinion, the coolest pirates in the entire world. Maybe she's just biased because his ship happened to bring her straight to Castle Candy without so much as a second thought, but Manta Ray Jack isn't exactly a man to think things through often.

So she sails with them once or twice a year for a week or two each time, and on the day before she's forced to go back to Castle Candy for her actual Saint's Day celebration, Manta Ray will let her be captain of the ship (he's a major back seat sailor even so). It feels great to be relieved of her royal duties, to just sail a ship with a crew she trusts and not have to worry about whether or not Lord and Lady Swirlie are just around the corner, ready to report to Caramelinda that she and the twins are getting up to trouble again.

Only something's different this time around; there's a girl about her age, with short cropped cheese hair and a long sword at her hip. Saccharina has to physically do a double-take, surprised from seeing another person her age anywhere near a pirate ship. Maybe it's just because the last time she talked to someone her age was nine years ago, at an orphanage run by nuns of the Bulbian faith, but Saccharina finds herself immediately drawn to this mysterious cheese girl.

Mysterious Cheese Girl does not remain mysterious for long, luckily, and introduces herself as Princess Annabelle of House Cheddar, heir to the Dairy throne. Saccharina responds in kind, as Princess Saccharina of House Rocks, heir to the Candian throne. Princess Annabelle gives her a once over—the kind that all the nobles at Castle Candy do whenever she sits in on meetings or announces herself as royalty, but somehow different. Princess Annabelle doesn't look at her like she's unworthy of the throne, Princess Annabelle looks at her like she understands on the deepest level what it's like to be heir to the throne and somehow not want it.

That day, something happens. A bond is formed between the two princesses of Candia and the Dairy Islands, and as such, the strong alliance between their kingdoms grows stronger.

The two of them spend the week together, sailing Manta Ray's typical Saccharina's Saint's Week route, hiding in their quarters at night and whispering secrets to each other in the dark. For a single moment, Saccharina wonders if this is what Jet and Ruby feel like, able to have a partner in crime their age, with whom royal responsibilities are stripped and they can simply be themselves. But no, she knows it's different, and yet she doesn't feel sad.

What Ruby and Jet have is special, formed over the course of their lifetimes, an unbreakable bond between sisters. What Saccharina and Annabelle—who insisted she drop the princess title—have is strong but fresh, and there's an uncertainty that comes with it that keeps Saccharina on her toes in the most electric of ways. She finds the feeling exciting and hopes Annabelle feels the same.

When the week is up and Manta Ray docks the ship at Port Syrup, Saccharina hugs Annabelle as tight as she can and whispers in her ear that it won't be long until they see each other again—a promise meant only for her. Annabelle nods and her grip is tighter than it ever has been. It takes Jet and Ruby coming up onto the deck of the ship and physically tackling Saccharina in a giant hug pile for the two of them to separate, the disruption sudden enough to startle them out of their embrace.

They share a look, one full of understanding and hope and the weight of having someone so similar to you yet so different, before Saccharina laughs full bellied and picks her sisters up roughly to carry them off the boat, all three of them shaking with laughter.

Saccharina hopes that she can keep her promise.

* * *

They're walking through the halls one day, no sneaking or stealthing to be done, when Saccharina sees it. A flicker of blue in the windows, long robes in place of her shorts and shirt, glasses set upon a blue face and glowing purple eyes boring right into her soul. But it's gone before she can wish to truly see it, remember it, _hope for it_.

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, if Saccharina is feeling particularly pitiable, Ruby stops dead in her tracks. She's staring directly at the window in which Saccharina saw the flash of blue, magenta eyes blown wide. Another glance proves that Saccharina can only see their reflections, nothing more, but Ruby hasn't moved and Jet is looking over her twin's shoulder to Saccharina, an eyebrow raised in confusion. Saccharina shrugs.

A single shoulder check from Jet has Ruby snapping out of her trance. When asked what's wrong, she holds nothing back, always too open in her intentions and too truthful to the people she trusts. Saccharina thinks she would make a fantastic ruler if only she shut her mouth more often and learned how to twist her words. (Does thinking that make her a bad sister? There's a compliment in there somewhere. Maybe she just shouldn't have thought it at all.)

A woman in blue stands in place of her reflection, Ruby says. A woman that looks strikingly similar to the statue of one of their aunts in the standing room.

Saccharina immediately feels sick.

The Lady in Blue. Auntie Lazuli. It's been ten years and she's appearing once again to a Rocks Princess, just not the one that actually wields magic. To the youngest, the last in line—though history has proven that doesn't actually mean anything—the one that wants to grow up to be a carpenter, and last month a musician, and three months before that a poet. Ruby Rocks is _nine_ , last in line for the throne, unable to do magic, unsure of herself and her path in life, the second half of a set. She should be the _last_ person Auntie Lazuli should be showing up for.

But she isn't, and Saccharina is hit with the realization that she simply doesn't have the time or energy to waste being upset and jealous. This isn't about her, this will never be about her. This is about Ruby and about Auntie Lazuli now, and what Saccharina can do to help them in whatever they choose to do. She allows herself three seconds to stare at Ruby and let the hatred and jealousy and disgust course through her veins, before she forcibly removes it and replaces it with understanding and determination.

Auntie Lazuli has chosen a successor and Saccharina simply _has_ to help her along her path.

In a voice lower than a whisper, aware that the only other person in Castle Candy that's allowed to do magic is Caramelinda, Saccharina tells Ruby never to tell anyone else about the Lady in Blue. She explains all she knows, that Candia is lenient with magic but the rest of the world is cruel and callous and Ruby has been blessed with a gift very few have. Saccharina promises to help her hone her gift, help her control the power that rests beneath her skin.

Jet shakes Ruby by the shoulders and proclaims her the coolest person in the entire world, the best twin a girl could ask for. Ruby just looks—well. She looks upset, but Saccharina can't pinpoint exactly what's drawn the specific emotion out. All she knows is that her little sister isn't happy about this development, but Saccharina isn't exactly ecstatic either, so she supposes they can relate in that sense.

The rest of the day is spent sneaking around the castle to avoid all the nosy nobles while Saccharina teaches Ruby as much as she can grasp about magic. (Ruby can't actually do any magic yet, but Saccharina can see her potential. She understands why Auntie Lazuli chose her. She's still bitter underneath her sugary sweet attitude.)

* * *

Feeling strongly about something does not always mean it is good. It just means you have conviction and are steadfast in that conviction. Case in point: Saccharina feels the deepest, darkest, red-hot hatred of the Bulbian faith. That does not mean it is good, it just means she wants absolutely nothing to do with the church and truly hopes that, one day, the entire religion and anyone that has ever held power due to being a part of it burns in the stomach of the Hungry One.

She does not tell anyone this, least of all Chancellor Lapin and Caramelinda, the only devout Bulbians that Saccharina has contact with on a daily basis.

Quietly, obediently, Saccharina learns Bulbosi. She goes to church on Bulbday, prays before the altar and recites her vows under Chancellor Lapin's critical eye. She studies the Book of Leaves and memorizes scriptures and, on top of all her royal studies, Saccharina pretends to be a devout Bulbian as well. It's what her people expect of her, after all.

But that's all it will ever be—pretend. Acting, a lie, a facade she puts up to keep her peers appeased. Sure, to the nobles of Castle Candy, Princess Saccharina is just as religious as royalty has to be for public appearances, just devout enough to keep away suspicion. But underneath it all her rage boils and curdles and she grits her teeth to keep from snapping when Chancellor Lapin corrects the way she pronounces a phrase in Bulbosi.

Unfortunately, Chancellor Lapin is no fool. When she finally loses herself to the magic under her skin that begs and begs and _begs_ to burn the church to the ground, step on it's ashes and laugh as it's followers scream in anguish, he's the one that catches her. Of course, Saccharina has enough self control that she would never intentionally bring harm to anyone or anything, even when her magic tells her that it'll make her feel fantastic. Still, she's late for her lesson because she's grappling against the urge to desecrate the chapel whenever she thinks about all the empty prayers she'll have to say.

And her teacher finds her. He finds her in one of the empty rooms of the royal wing of the castle. She is sitting on the floor of the room, staring down at her hands in her lap and on the verge of frustrated tears. She doesn't want to use her power for bad, _never_ , but what choice does she have if the church insists that _any_ use of her power is bad? All her life she's been told that her magic is against the church and a secret that needs to be kept quiet and _dangerous_.

Chancellor Lapin doesn't lower himself enough to sit on the ground, but he does give her a look when he sees the sheen in her eyes. He's never been one to comfort others; that much has always been obvious in the way he gripes with just about anyone that will bite. But he still pats her head with his chocolate paw and quietly says that he's okay omitting their Bulbian lessons for the day as long as she doesn't rat him out to the queen.

Saccharina agrees, and for the rest of her lesson, her magic hushes to a low thrum that's far more manageable. From the knowing glint in the Chancellor's eyes, Saccharina has a feeling he's aware of more than he's letting on, but she's more than happy to let it go and never show him an ounce of weakness ever again.

Caramelinda does not find out and from then on, Saccharina has Bulbian lessons far less often. She never outright thanks Chancellor Lapin, but she feels as though he gets the sentiment when she smiles at him.

* * *

In the quiet of the garden, amidst the sugar flowers and fondant bushes and sprouting peppermint trees, Saccharina tells her dad that she can't remember what her mom looks like. The Bulb is bright in the sky, dousing them in light and warmth, but the gentle breeze that floats through the air is just enough to offset the heat. Dad is quiet.

It takes a moment, but he says that he's sorry. He apologizes for not finding her, not looking harder for them. He says that Saccharina never should've been the one to find _him_ , that she shouldn't have had to put herself in danger just for the chance to be noticed by her father. And she listens as he speaks, lets his words wash over her with the knowledge that he's right. He should've looked harder. He should've found her.

But she isn't angry, hasn't been angry with him since the orphanage. Her anger and resentment has always been easy to shelve and ignore, because they're such weak emotions that she barely ever feels, only spiking mildly in moments of pure vulnerability and upset. Yes, her father should've done more to find his wife and child, but she's not mad at him for failing her.

He's more than made up for it, she thinks, in her twelve years of being at Castle Candy. While Amethar isn't the most fantastic father, isn't earning any awards anytime soon, he's still her dad and he's doing his best. It's truly all she can ask for. He's trying to be better, not just for her, but for all the people he owes it to.

Like Catherine Ghee.

The heat that comes off dad's body is almost comforting, the gentle breeze rolling through the garden and whisking away all the tension from Saccharina's muscles. She gently, hesitantly, rests her head on his shoulder. Just as gently, just as hesitantly, dad wraps an arm around her and rubs circles into her back. The two of them sit in the garden, silent, navigating a relationship that's been somewhat strained for twelve long years.

Without any prompting necessary, dad talks about Saccharina's mom. He tells her stories about the things the two of them would get up to in their limited time together. He describes her personality, shy and secluded yet steadfast in her beliefs, always wanting the best for those around her. He talks and talks and talks until he's not talking about just mom anymore, but instead the war at large.

Dad gestures with his hands when he tells stories. Stories about battles won and lost, stories about soldiers he was friends with and enemies he made along the way, stories about his sisters and their sacrifices and everything in between. And Saccharina just listens.

Subconsciously, in a way that feels right, something clicks into place that day in the garden. Saccharina has already forgiven her dad for everything he's done, but now she thinks she's finally able to heal. Closure, Saccharina thinks, is a greater relief than anything else in the world.

* * *

Feasts and celebrations on Saccharina's behalf always make her jittery with anxiety. She's never particularly enjoyed being thrown parties for simply aging; everyone ages, everyone grows, and frankly it seems unnecessary to gather large groups of people for festivities based around the simple fact of Saccharina turning eighteen.

The only thing that makes the day brighter is the knowledge that Princess Annabelle of House Cheddar will be attending the Saint's Day celebration, and that Jet and Ruby have sworn not to let her get bored by one of Lady Whipperly's drawn out monologues again. Honestly, the last time Saccharina politely engaged the woman in conversation she was stuck for upwards of three hours listening to her talk about how Candia neededa good leader like Saccharina on the throne.

(Upon hearing this promise, Sir Theobald scolded all three of them about remembering their manners and not upsetting the nobles while mingling. Jet's smile was just a bit too wide and Ruby's voice was just a bit too high but the two of them made a quick promise to behave before they slipped off into the shadows.

They're getting better at hiding and slinking about, Saccharina thinks. She's sure that they'll be following in Aunt Sapphria's footsteps now. She hopes they'll learn from their aunt's example and start taking their studies just a bit more seriously. She knows they won't.)

So the day comes and Saccharina truly thinks it's all too much. The entire castle is alight with sound and movement, preparing for the feast that will commence later in the day. Chancellor Lapin drones on about some facet of how the Dairy Islands ran before the Ravening War. Ruby is scratching out an alphabet Saccharina can't read into the chocolate wood of her desk to her right. Jet is fully asleep, still sitting upright to her left.

When Sir Theobald comes crashing into the room, Sir Toby hot on his trail, Jet jolts up and exclaims that she was, in fact, paying attention and she knows exactly what a Duchess is in the Dairy Islands. Ruby snickers behind her hand, and Jet's cheeks darken minutely as she stands from her desk to tackle her sister in embarrassment. The two of them fall to the floor in a grapple as Sir Theobald starts angrily bickering with Chancellor Lapin, and Sir Toby shares an exhausted look with Saccharina.

There truly is never a moment of peace within Castle Candy.

Eventually, Sir Toby manages to steal all three princesses to start getting ready for the feast. Saccharina has to help Ruby apply her makeup and Jet zip up her dress but eventually all of them are ready. Caramelinda is at the door to the bathroom in an instant, tapping her foot impatiently and gripping at her dress in the way she does when she's stressed. Dad isn't far behind her, Lord Cruller trailing after them like a shepherd herding his sheep.

On their way down to the banquet hall Caramelinda drills Saccharina on the names and titles of all the nobles that will be attending the ceremony. They go over proper dining manners, what she may and may not say to who, and the speech she has prepared for when the night reaches it's crest. She's eighteen now, she needs to be the perfect Crown Princess.

Behind them, dad is roughhousing with the twins, encouraging them to mess up their outfits that Saccharina spent quite a while making sure looked presentable. Caramelinda snaps at them in annoyance, Lord Cruller whispers something to the twins when they stick out their tongues at their mom that makes them stop and pout instead, and the rest of the walk to the feast is quiet.

It hits Saccharina very quickly after that, as they approach the doors that lead to the banquet hall, that she's of age now. She's the official heir now. Sure, she's been training to take the throne for years now, but it's never been—never been this _real_. They say she's ready, and if her parents were to die tomorrow she would be able to take the throne immediately. She doesn't—she doesn't want this.

But it's too late, and the doors open and all the nobles in the rooms cheer as her herald announces her title. Saccharina smiles a sugar sweet smile, keeping in mind not to clench her jaw too hard as about twenty Lords and Ladies attempt to mingle with her as to get on her good side. After all, she is now officially ready to take the throne, and while Candia is very diplomatic in their politics, it isn't unheard of for Princes and Princesses to become Kings and Queens mere days after their eighteenth Saint's Day.

Not that Saccharina would ever do that. Never in a million years would she ever harm her family, the people she cares about more than anything in all of Calorum. That doesn't stop her from being swamped by nobles attempting to slide into her good graces. Instead of giving them anything past mindless pleasantries, Saccharina slips around the hall, looking for a familiar Dairy face amongst the crowd of Candians.

In the corner of her vision Saccharina clocks Jet and Ruby sneak in and out of shadows, stealing food for themselves and only getting caught by Sir Maillard when they try to nab an entire plate of cookies. Their faces are not ones of guilt, but instead mischief, and Caramelinda looks appropriately exasperated when her champion tells her about her twin daughters being troublemakers again.

It makes Saccharina laugh. Really, her little sisters are enough entertainment to last a lifetime if one paid enough attention to their antics. As she watches them get (quite pathetically) scolded by dad, a hand lands on her shoulder and she's whisked away by a noble that smells suspiciously of milky waves instead of well kept sugar flowers.

Annabelle gives her the brightest grin she can, teeth bared in the least lady-like way possible, and it takes absolutely everything within Saccharina not to tackle her friend to the ground in a hug. Stuffy nobility is not the company Saccharina wanted to be around during her Saint's Day and she's forever grateful she has at least one friend around her during such an important day.

Sure, the Candian nobles are suffocating, and her responsibilities weigh on her chest horribly, but having Annabelle by her side throughout the rest of the night brings a sort of reprieve Saccharina didn't know was possible. Her speech goes well—only because Annabelle was making stupid faces at her from the back of the banquet hall and it lifted her anxiety easily—and the feast is amazing, and before she goes off to her own room for the night, Annabelle gifts Saccharina a small bracelet made of cheese and peppermint. At her raised eyebrow, Annabelle holds up her own wrist and presents an identical bracelet.

Friendship bracelets.

Saccharina nearly bursts into tears at the gesture and has to calm herself down before she loses herself in the warmth that comes with having an actual friend her age. The two of them giggle over their dumb duties to the crown and how much cooler it would be to be pirates instead. Annabelle eventually goes off to her room in the guest wing of the castle, but not without a tight squeeze.

Later that night, when Saccharina catches the twins slinking around towards the kitchen to steal some leftovers from the feast, they tease her about being heir, and somehow, she thinks that if it were anyone else, she'd be angry. But she isn't, because it's her sisters, and she lets them go with a playful shove each. She tries not to think about the true meaning of being an heir as she goes to sleep.

* * *

Being Crown Princess of Candia is exhausting, Saccharina finds out very quickly.

As soon as she turned eighteen her workload increased tenfold. Suddenly she's attending every meeting, no matter how insignificant, instead of just the ones that Caramelinda thinks will matter to her growth as a ruler. Chancellor Lapin's lessons are getting lengthier and more in depth and Sir Theobald is now training her with long sword and short sword set every second she isn't neck-deep in paperwork.

It's not fun. She's not having fun. Ruby and Jet are off galavanting through the streets of Dulcington and Saccharina is stuck sitting beside Lord Cruller at a table with a minor Lord from House Drizzle because dad forgot he had another meeting. It feels like no one else in her family, barring Caramelinda, gives a damn about Candia and the fact that they are the royal family. None of them care about the responsibilities that come with being a Rocks, and it's starting to grate on Saccharina's nerves that she cares so _much_.

Sometimes she wishes she could be off in Dulcington, too, laughing with her sisters and talking to the citizens and generally not caring about her royal duties. Unfortunately, she has a kingdom to learn to rule.

Whenever she expresses this to Caramelinda, the woman just rubs her back and says that she understands, probably better than anyone else in the castle. Sometimes, being responsible means being the bad guy, or sacrificing fun for the sake of keeping a kingdom running for one more day. Sometimes, being queen isn't fun. Sometimes, you have to do it anyways and watch your husband and children do whatever they want while you pore over policies and letters and legal documents night after night.

Saccharina does not want this. Saccharina does not have a choice.

In the dead of night, while Caramelinda is teaching Saccharina the order of importance when it comes to whose letters she answers first, she lets it slip that she, too, did not exactly have a choice in becoming Queen of Candia. It's small, and brief, but a wistful expression crosses Caramelinda's face, almost as if she's thinking of a time in the past when she wasn't such a big part in keeping Candia in one piece.

It doesn't take much probing, because Caramelinda apparently deems her mature enough to know, and she divulges in Saccharina that, before she married Amethar, before the Ravening War had even begun, Caramelinda was wed to the Archmage Lazuli Rocks. Everything within Saccharina absolutely _screams_ at the reveal, the knowledge that Caramelinda had Auntie Lazuli ripped from her grasp too.

Then, and only then, does Saccharina finally tell Caramelinda of seeing Auntie Lazuli in the mirror as a child, and of being taught magic by her in the times she was allowed privacy. The two of them spend the night ignoring their royal duties in favor of telling each other stories about Auntie Lazuli and reminiscing about her. By the time the Bulb is rising in the sky, bringing about a new day, Caramelinda and Saccharina have told each other everything they can remember about Auntie Lazuli and everything she'd brought them in life—and death.

And from that night onward, Saccharina knows that, even though _she_ doesn't have a choice, her little sisters _do_ , and she'll do everything in her power to keep either of them from having to take the throne.

* * *

Liam won't talk to her for the first month he's stuck in Castle Candy. Granted, he won't really talk to anyone but Sir Theobald, but she still can't help but be a little butthurt when she tries to engage him in conversation only to get stilted and clipped responses, before the boy runs off again to go play with his pet pig.

Saccharina thinks it's a little weird that they're keeping a _child_ at Castle Candy as a prisoner of war, but when she asks Sir Theobald about it, he waves that off as a _technicality_. _Technically_ the boy is a prisoner of war, but in _actuality_ they're treating him as a guest. A _ward of the king_ , he says.

It still curls something ugly in her stomach. Liam is only thirteen, a few months younger than the twins. He shouldn't have to be caught up in all the political jargon of the civil war between Castle Candy and House Jawbreaker. It's not his place, not his responsibility. She hates having to see kids grow up so quickly.

Dad secretly agrees, she thinks. The way he winces when Liam is brought up, the subtle intonation change when he says the boy's name. It's obvious he doesn't want a kid being stuck at Castle Candy with the knowledge he's technically being used as a bargaining chip between warring factions of his kingdom.

Liam, luckily, doesn't seem too bothered about the _prisoner of war_ part, but moreso the part where he has to actually interact with the people around him. Saccharina can see how nervous he gets talking to anyone that isn't dad or Sir Theobald, the poor kid. Even when Jet and Ruby try to rope him in on their little schemes and tricks, he always looks so skittish and jumpy, like at any moment the twins will try to push him down a flight of stairs and laugh when he doesn't get up.

After a bit of sneaking and eavesdropping and generally not-princess-like things, Saccharina learns that Liam, _apparently_ , thinks most of the Rocks family hates him because his dad is in active rebellion of the crown. Which is just ridiculous, really. If anything, Saccharina thinks Great Uncle Joren is _cool as hell_ , just a little difficult to broker deals with sometimes.

She tells Liam as much. That she's not mad at him, nor does she hate him, nor does she hate any of his family. She actually thinks it's neat to meet more of her distant relatives, because having a family is super cool. Maybe she lays it on a bit too thick, excited to meet even more family members, even ones as young as Liam, but she thinks she gets the point across. His eyes narrow, before the suspicion and anxiety clears way for understanding and relief.

For a second, Saccharina thinks she and Liam might be more similar than she originally thought.

But the moment passes, and Liam promises that he'll stop avoiding her (which he was, in fact, doing, and it wasn't just her imagination), and Saccharina takes it as a win. He doesn't warm up to her immediately, but she never expected him to, and the two of them find a sort of balance in their pleasant politeness.

She hopes that one day he'll find comfort in her presence, even if she knows that day is far beyond the horizon.

* * *

On the very rare days that Caremlinda allows Saccharina to rest, and Sir Theobald doesn't have time to give her a sparring lesson, and Chancellor Lapin cancels her lessons for the day, Saccharina likes to spend time with her dad. She knows his schedule probably better than he does, so she'll swing by as he and Lord Cruller are leaving a royal hearing and steal her dad away, prepared excuses flying off her tongue easily and convincingly.

And while he's laughing and joking about leaving all his work for Cal to finish off—to which she'll respond that she's already got at least half of it handled so he doesn't get into too much trouble—the two of them will run off towards the training ground out in the back of Castle Candy. Saccharina's weapons will already be there, and Payment Day will be lying beside them, ready for use after so long of being ornamental. It'll be all play, nothing real, for the first few rounds of combat while the two of them warm up.

Then, dad will get into it, excited about fighting someone who won't go easy one him in a short moment of reprieve from work, and he'll go into a rage. He'll explode in a burst of cola and fire and Saccharina will laugh joyously because it's not often she gets these days off. They'll fight harder, grittier in a way that they'll never fight with anyone else. Saccharina will start spinning spells on her fingers and tripping her dad up at every opportunity. Dad will start playing dirty and recklessly.

By the time it's over, the two of them will be sweaty and panting and gasping for breath and smiling wider than either have all day. For them, the best feeling in the world is a good sparring session, and when it's against someone you trust, it's always that much better. Saccharina finds these some of the best bonding experiences she has with her dad, when the two of them are in the thick of fighting each other, landing non-lethal blows and hoping to be the one to come out on top.

Today, though, is just a little bit different.

Saccharina lies back against the bench she's sitting on, letting the sweat trickle down the back of her neck and hoping it'll cool her down a bit. Dad, sitting on the bench at her side, is dutifully wiping blood and grime off Payment Day with a rag, his smile wicked yet somehow very clearly loving. On the ground, allowing themselves to get their training clothes dirty, Jet and Ruby are chatting rapidly in their wild twin language, waving their hands in excited motions.

Today, dad suggested they bring the twins along to watch, and Saccharina hadn't been opposed to the idea. Unfortunately, Caramelinda very much had been, and as a compromise, Saccharina had agreed to let Sir Theobald supervise the sparring so no one got hurt. Which is a bit of a blow to one's ego, having a knight watch their personal spar to be sure no one actually deals any lethal damage.

But it's what Caramelinda wanted, and Saccharina wasn't going to say no to her, and dad _certainly_ wasn't going to argue about something so trivial, so they let Sir Theobald tag along as a precautionary measure. And since Sir Theobald is tagging along to watch and supervise, Liam is forced to tag along, too. He's not quite allowed to go places without supervision yet and a sparring session with family is an interesting enough way to waste time, Saccharina supposes.

So she's is spending one of her very few days off with just about everyone in her family, except for Caramelinda, who she spends time with on a regular basis as the Crown Princess and Queen of Candia.

Little Preston, Liam's animal companion, snorts quietly and snuggles into the boy's side, demanding attention. Liam scratches him behind the ear like a dog, and it's apparently good, because Preston sighs in satisfaction. Ruby says something presumably scandalous in Twin Speak, and Jet laughs so hard she starts wheezing, clutching her stomach and nearly rolling over. Sir Theobald looks mildly uncomfortable, just standing off to the side and supervising, probably well aware that it's entirely unnecessary. Dad puts the rag he was using to clean his sword away and stands, getting ready to start stretching.

Round two, then.

Saccharina follows his lead, standing to stretch and getting her long sword and short sword set. She's ready to try to beat her dad black and blue, really, but the two of them promised Caramelinda that they wouldn't get too into it with an audience of young teens and Sir Theobald. So she'll have to settle for clean knockout without much bloodshed or many unnecessary blows. From the look on dad's face, he's having similar thoughts, keeping damage to a minimum and working around real aggressive hits to keep the fight PG.

As soon as the two of them raise their weapons, Saccharina realizes Jet and Ruby have stopped talking and have focused their attention directly onto her and dad. Maybe they're hoping for violence—Saccharina certainly wouldn't put it past them. They've always been a bit enamored with fighting and battle, maybe a bit more than princesses should be. It's not like Saccharina is in any position to judge them, though.

She and dad fight, saving their typical ferocity for another day, almost going easy on each other for the first time in a long time. Every so often, Saccharina will hear Sir Theobald suck in a sharp breath, like he's afraid of them hurting each other. The twins are relatively quiet, taking it in, but they do occasionally shout encouragements or exclamations of awe. Liam is nearly silent as he watches, simply patting Preston's head peacefully.

The sparring session flies by and by the time Saccharina is knocked flat on her ass by three quick blows in succession from her dad, the Bulb is beginning to set and the sweat caked on her skin is soaking her training clothes. Ruby has, for quite some, been calling out scores each time one of them strikes the other. Jet has been whooping and hollering for Saccharina this round, but before that she was rooting for dad, and has been switching each time they begin a new round.

It's not—well, it's not what most would consider typical family time, but Saccharina finds that, like this, in her element, she feels warm and fuzzy. Like she knows for a fact her family is there, a presence forever ingrained in her mind and heart, holding her captive in their love. Of course it would be on a battlefield that Saccharina bonds with her family.

And even as she wipes down her face and neck, letting the twins prattle on in her ears about how she should totally teach them how to fight like that (since Sir Theobald's too chicken to take up their sword fighting lessons, apparently), and Liam rambles a bit nervously to dad about Great Uncle Joren and what he's like when he fights, Saccharina feels the warmth bloom.

Sure, it's weird. But it's her family, and Saccharina is allowed to bond with them however she wants—even if it happens to include sparring with her dad in front of an audience.

* * *

The cold, dark, hardened blue eyes of Auntie Lazuli stare blankly into space, her face set into permanent determination and focus and her hand forever holding up her book of spells. Saccharina looks up and can only see the swirling blue rock candy they used to build the statue, not the visage of her aunt. She frowns up at the statue. The statue does not move.

Deep in her chest, a chasm yawns open and threatens to swallow her heart whole. It's daunting, staring up at the unseeing faces of her aunts, legends in Candian history, and feeling...empty. Not quite nothing, because Saccharina definitely feels _something_ , but it's very hard to pinpoint what it _is_.

The Fructeran wine in her goblet sloshes against the sides when she shifts suddenly, leaning further onto her back and letting her robe pool on the floor around her. She is alone, a rare opportunity as of late. Being Crown Princess has Saccharina running around Castle Candy at all hours of the day, slowly weaning the responsibility onto herself to that when it's time for her to take the throne she's as ready as she can be.

Aunt Rococoa stands tall, regal, a true queen. Her sword is at her side and the chocolate that is sculpted to be her face perfectly captures the look she held while making battle plans, or so dad tells her. Saccharina wouldn't know. She's never met any of her aunts aside from Lazuli, and it's been many years since the two of them were able to communicate.

It's a weird sensation, looking at people she's never met and feeling a sense of kinship with them regardless. All four sisters were older than Amethar, after all, and were further in line for the throne than him. They were all older sisters at heart, even Aunt Sapphria, the youngest of the four. Saccharina _knows_ what that's like, now. Being the older sister, being the one in charge, being the responsible one and the one that'll become queen and the one that everyone turns to.

It's tiring. It's staying up for three nights in a row trying to remedy something Liam said in passing to a Lord that was mildly offensive at worst and was blown way out of proportion. It's listening to the citizens of Dulcington gossip about how Saccharina is already twenty-two and hasn't wed yet. It's trying to care a little bit more about a law that needs to be passed because it's important despite how minor it seems. It's pretending to be a devout Bulbian even with the magic that thrums under her skin, a permanent reminder that she isn't like the rest of them.

Being the eldest is hard, in a way Saccharina could've never anticipated. She has to do better, be better, than everyone before her, and everyone that may come after her, and when that's not enough they'll still demand more. She has to give all she has for Candia and even when she has nothing left to give she'll give even more because she can do nothing else. Saccharina has to watch Caramelinda grow old and she has to watch her dad grow weary and she has to watch her sisters grow mature all in the same breath.

She wonders blankly if this is how Aunt Rococoa felt. Weighed down by a crown she never truly wanted and a legacy that she can never hope to live up to.

The Fructeran wine is sweet but dry, and Saccharina purses her lips as it slides down her throat, settling in the growing swarm of doubt that lives in her gut. She feels sick. A glance at her goblet tells her that she's almost out of wine. She suddenly feels even more sick.

All her life, the only thing Saccharina has ever wanted is a family. She's lucky enough to have gotten her wish, to have been able to find her dad and his wife and watch her little sisters grow up. She's lucky. She's _lucky_.

It still doesn't feel like enough.

Like a mockery, a voice on the wind that finds it fun to ridicule her every move, everything always comes with a _but_. She found her dad _but_ her mother is dead. Caramelinda is a spellcaster _but_ Auntie Lazuli is lost forever. She has little twin sisters _but_ they'll always love each other more than they'll ever love her. She has a _family_ , people who _love_ her, _but_ she is first in line for the throne and has to be perfect to even be _considered_ as a worthy leader, much less _acknowledged_ as one.

Maybe Saccharina's life is all one big joke at this point. A quick laugh for the gods of the realm to share at her expense. A cheap trick for some baseline amusement. It feels like it, at times, when she's forced to spend time in a meeting while Ruby and Jet are off running around the castle like the hyperactive teens they're allowed to be.

One certainty she has is that her life had turned out much better now that it would have had she stayed at the orphanage. Saccharina _knows_ this, has no doubt in her mind that the loneliness and abuse she would have suffered there is leagues worse than the pampered life she's experienced in Castle Candy. The knowledge doesn't stop the hurt from creeping into her locked muscles and sunken eyes.

Aunt Citrina's statue gazes mournfully into thin air, and Saccharina has the split second thought that her aunt is mourning the childhood Saccharina had to sacrifice for a loving family. She pushes it aside easily. (It is not easy, and Saccharina struggles to hold back tears in the darkness of the standing room.)

There's nothing to mourn. Saccharina never would've gotten a carefree childhood, no matter what path of life she took. There is not a single Saccharina, not in all the worlds, in all the universes, in all the timelines, that is allowed that single repose. If there is one thing true about Saccharina Ghee-Rocks, it is that she will always, _always_ , be forced to grow up quickly.

Four statues stare into space, unseeing, unhearing, unknowing. A princess lies at their feet, begging for answers they cannot give, crying tears she has no right to cry and mourning a life she will never be able to have.

Saccharina leaves to get more wine.

**Author's Note:**

> religion section: saccharina has to pretend to be a bulbian despite the bulbian church being severely against magic, and her magic being an innate part of her. she gets extremely upset over this conflict and lapin (loosely) comforts her about it
> 
> the annabelle/saccharina can be interpreted as platonic or romantic, but that might change in later parts of the series who knows ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> comments and kudos are well loved and appreciated, thank you so much for reading!
> 
> [tumblr](https://theswirlersisterscircus.tumblr.com)


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